No more fluttering heart. No more blushing, or singing, or dancing at texts messages. Now it’s more trying to hold the tears back. Trying not to cry and be weak, because I am tired of being weak. I am tired of getting hurt. I am tired of being happy only for it to be ripped away from me and I am just left there, cold, numb, empty. Feeling alone. I keep looking for love and just when I think I have found it, something goes wrong. Something gets lost. From interest, to not being sexually attractive anymore. That’s when it happens though, when those feelings become lost and the loneliness sinks in, and those urges come back. Those urges you thought you got rid of, come back. The urge of wanting to take a sharp object to your skin and just slowly, ever so slowly, slide it across your skin, revealing that glistening red liquid. Letting it pour out of you. You do that a few times, marking your skin with new scars. Then you take alcohol and put it on a cloth, then press it against your new wounds. Pain sears through your body. You hold back a cry but let the tears run down your face. The bleeding doesn’t stop though. It continues to pour out. You sit there….bleeding out.
The pain of the mind does not compare to the pain of the heart. What one goes through each day for the one you love. The physical, mental, and emotional pain can be, at times, unbearable. It can get to be to much and one forgets how to cry. You want to so bad, but the tears just don’t come. The constant thoughts that run through my head, telling me I am never going to be good enough for anyone, it fills my head and makes me feel worse. What do you do when the one you love plays games with you? Do you stay or do you go? I am at a crossroad and I don’t know if I should go left or right. I am being pulled in both directions. One way saying stay with her cause you love her, the other way saying end it, it’s not worth the fight anymore; you’re just going to be played in the end again. Just like last time, and the time before that; and the time before that. Just like almost all of your relationships that you have ever been in. Well, almost every one. I am tired of my heart being broken. I am tired of putting it back together. I am running out of glue, and out of tape. I am running out of the will to stay here in this life. I feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore. I have no purpose. I just want to leave and finally be pain free.